Whoever said that suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem probably didn’t live with chronic depression.

It’s not going away, and I’m starting to crack.

I started this draft three months ago, wrote one sentence, and I haven’t been able to finish it until now. I guess that says something about how I’ve been feeling. I can’t really write when I’m down.

My counselor made me sign a “no suicide” contract last week. There were a bunch of questions that I had to fill out. Most of them were pretty easy. “What are your strengths?” “Who are some people who can call in times of need?” But then I got to the question: “What is one thing you love more than anything, and a reason to keep going?”

I couldn’t think of an answer. I stared at it for like two minutes in silence. I couldn’t think of a single thing. Jeremie? He doesn’t want me. School? I’ll be done in a year. The kids I babysit? That doesn’t seem like a good enough reason to stay alive. I literally couldn’t come up with anything, so I just wrote “future potential.” Not even sure what that means. The potential that things could get better in the future? My own potential in the future?

I’m keeping myself going for all the wrong reasons. Maybe he’ll come back one day. Maybe he’ll contact me on our anniversary…maybe he’ll come here for spring break. Maybe he’ll want to visit in the summer.

In the meantime, I’ll bounce around between medications until I find something that makes me feel more human.



Movies in which people are stranded somewhere and other people sit in a control room trying to save them

Everest 4 stars

This movie literally depicted my worst nightmare. Everything was cold and wet, and the wind was just blowing the coldness and wetness around while everyone was carrying really heavy bags and occasionally just dropping off the mountain to their death. It’s based on the 1996 Mt. Everest disasterJason Clarke, Jake Gyllenhaal (in his second groundbreaking mountain expedition), et al. are trying to summit Mt. Everest in the midst of an impending storm.

Jon Krakauer makes an appearance, played by his doppleganger Michael Kelly, but the movie isn’t based on Into Thin Air, the book Krakauer wrote about the expedition (he also wrote Into the Wild). Apparently there are conflicting reports about what happened on the mountain. On a related note, Keira Knightley drops her British accent and I felt betrayed by this.

It’s hard to criticize the story on this one, not just because it’s based on a true story, but because it was SO GOOD. There was a perfect balance between drama and adventure. Coming into it, I had no idea the whole Mt. Everest climbing situation was so structured/commercialized, so the whole thing was a foreign concept for me. I also didn’t know that once you get going from the camp (after your altitude training), you can reach the summit in like a day. I pictured it being like a month-long journey to the top. The good news is that, after watching Everest, I feel like I personally climbed Mt. Everest, minus the windburn and frozen snot, so now I don’t ever have to experience it. Maybe I should’ve given the movie five stars.

PS: Turns out that dead bodies on Mt. Everest are a thing. I Wikipedia surfed for like two days straight after seeing this…there is some seriously interesting stuff going on on that mountain.

The Martian 3 stars

Basically this is a one-man show about Matt Damon being abandoned by his space crew, then fucking around on Mars for a few months (years? I can’t remember) until NASA gets its shit together and rescues him. He lives off potatoes that he grows in his own shit and vlogs to no one to pass the time, which is lucky for us because otherwise there would be no dialogue.

There is no way in hell this would’ve worked out in real life. There were way too many opportunities for things to go wrong and there is no way that so many people and technologies and the U.S. and China could cooperate long enough to save this guy. But maybe I should be more open-minded.

All implausibilities aside, I feel like this movie would’ve been better if Matt Damon had someone to come home to…a wife or a kid or even a parent. I really didn’t feel like it mattered if he died, because he didn’t have a family waiting for him. Maybe I’m undervaluing his life though. I guess single, lonely people matter too.

Kristen Wiig had my dream job in this movie…she was the public relations person for NASA, but seeing her in a “serious” role was an out-of-body experience. On the positive side, Kate Mara was there and she is a perfect human being. Also, the mean guy from National Treasure was there!

Long story short: stay on earth.

A Collection of Comments Made by Boys about My Appearance

I like your body,
It’s . . . authentic looking.
I think your freckles are cute.
You need to eat more.
Don’t eat cucumbers,
That will make you thin.
How much do you even weigh?
If you had a baby, it would break you in half.
I like your makeup.
You’re so fucking cute.
I have a bigger boobs than you.
So fucking cute.
It’s . . . it’s a nice handful.
Nobody who matters would care about that.
You’re perfect naturally, you don’t need makeup.
This one is little’ums and this one is big’ums.
I think they’ve grown since I last saw you.
You look like a famous person.
I don’t know who,
But doesn’t she look like someone famous?
Would you get that tattoo removed if you could?
Are you seriously going to wear that?
Are you kidding?
Oh wow, it really is crooked.
I could snap your wrist in half.
Your bottom lip is huge.
It’s like you don’t even have a top lip.
I always thought that about you,
That you have a really nice profile.
I wondered if you knew it.
Your hands aren’t beaten up,
Not a woodworker.
Maybe a little artistic.
Do you even eat?
Yeah, you should just get that taken off.
I can see your armpit hair, that’s really gross.
Do you have to shave your mustache?
I know some girls do.
Those are way too short.
You’re showing off your legs,
It’s like you’re flirting with every guy you see.
You have a big nose.
You have a big forehead.
You have really nice teeth.
I love your little Paige freckles.
I like in a ponytail.
I like it straightened.
I like your morning hair.
Not that you need your beauty sleep.

– P.B.

Incoherent Ramblings from an Airport

This morning I was in Paris with my boyfriend. Nine hours later, I’m waiting in the Toronto airport for my connection flight back to Windsor.

Life is funny sometimes. Things have seemed so uncertain for me lately. After being in France for two and a half weeks, I’m not ready to go back to real life. I love my university and all of the opportunities that I have there, but I feel sick about going back. It’s going to be different without having my boyfriend there anymore, and even though I’m going to be busy, I know I’m going to feel lonely. Although I had a great trip and enjoyed getting to spend time with him after a long summer of Skyping and DuoLingo, I feel like no matter how much time he gives me, I always crave more. I don’t like being dependent, but I feel like I don’t have the energy to stand by myself. The same insecurities and jealousy issues that bothered me earlier this summer are going to resurface. It’s inevitable. I don’t know how to describe it except to say that some days I don’t feel like a whole person.

Because of the time change, I am living this day twice. Well, the afternoon/early evening, at least. I’m exhausted, and I still have two more hours of a layover, a short one-hour flight, then a two-hour drive home from Windsor. I know my family is going to be excited to see me and hear about my trip, but I’m just going to want to sleep. I feel like I’ve been living in a dream world for the last few weeks. A life that I could’ve had if I’d done things differently, but one that isn’t really obtainable for me.

One of the issues is that my boyfriend is second guessing his plans of moving to America after he graduates. He thinks we could be happy in France, but I know I couldn’t do it. I want to learn French, but I feel like it’s too late. If I lived there, I couldn’t even go to the movies or the library. I couldn’t have the career I want. No matter what I do, I’ll never be as good at writing in French as a French writer would be. I couldn’t even interview civilians for news stories because I don’t speak the language. I don’t want to be an immigrant who can’t speak the language. I know it’s ridiculous for me to want my boyfriend to move to America for me when I know I couldn’t return the favor by moving to France, but I know that I couldn’t handle it. He says we shouldn’t worry about it yet, but I can’t cope with being in a long-distance relationship with no end in sight. I love him, and I believe that he loves me too, but sometimes I wonder if I am strong enough person for this.

On the flight from Paris, I met another girl from Michigan who was flying into Windsor. She was returning from what was supposed to be a month-long European tour with her boyfriend, but coming back a week early because he decided two weeks into the trip to confess that he had cheated on her twice during his study abroad this summer. Makes my situation seem a little less terrible.

Airports are funny places. Before this trip, I had only flown once, and never by myself. I’ve been thinking a lot about all of the different emotions swarming around airports. They seem like such sterile places, but the people in them are not. Twice now, my boyfriend and I have said goodbye at security gates. But our sadness over our separation is balanced by another couple who is being reunited at another gate. Some people are bubbling with excitement for long-awaited vacations or new lives, while others are traveling to attend funerals or business meetings. Everyone in an airport has a purpose, maybe that’s why I like being here. Although everyone here is on a completely different track, we’re all united by the fact that we are going somewhere.

“The Mechanics of Love”

I’ve been intrigued by this short film by Willard Maas and Ben Moore since I watched it in an experimental film class last fall. It was made in 1955 and the whole thing is a metaphor for sex. There are a bunch of phallic/fertility symbols (my personal favorite being a cactus) and shots of objects entering others (letters being pushed into a mailbox, a knife slicing bread) and the pace of the music and shots is rhythmic, then speeds up (apparently for orgasm) and comes to a rest. What I really like is the dialogue that is read over the images – it’s kind of haunting in a way. I’ve been feeling off lately, but there is still something about this film that appeals to me.

Warning: You will see boobs, and a woman with armpit hair and a hint of a mustache.

“Love, in some ways, is not always simple.”

Insights on Love from 2011

I found a handwritten note in a box in my room dated 6/24/2011. I was sixteen when I wrote it, knee deep in a high school relationship that would last for three years and end explosively during my first semester of college. As I struggle to find my place in my current relationship, it surprises me how I’m still feeling the same things I felt four years ago. Anyway, here is my sixteen year-old self’s reflection on love:

One of the worst types of pain is the pain you feel when you learn that someone you loved, trusted, and idealized isn’t as perfect as you thought they were. When we are in love, we want to believe the other person is flawless, and entirely ours. But when we learn of their imperfections, it becomes hard for us to distinguish which parts of them are real and which parts of them we have imagined to preserve our own sanity.