It’s not going away, and I’m starting to crack.
I started this draft three months ago, wrote one sentence, and I haven’t been able to finish it until now. I guess that says something about how I’ve been feeling. I can’t really write when I’m down.
My counselor made me sign a “no suicide” contract last week. There were a bunch of questions that I had to fill out. Most of them were pretty easy. “What are your strengths?” “Who are some people who can call in times of need?” But then I got to the question: “What is one thing you love more than anything, and a reason to keep going?”
I couldn’t think of an answer. I stared at it for like two minutes in silence. I couldn’t think of a single thing. Jeremie? He doesn’t want me. School? I’ll be done in a year. The kids I babysit? That doesn’t seem like a good enough reason to stay alive. I literally couldn’t come up with anything, so I just wrote “future potential.” Not even sure what that means. The potential that things could get better in the future? My own potential in the future?
I’m keeping myself going for all the wrong reasons. Maybe he’ll come back one day. Maybe he’ll contact me on our anniversary…maybe he’ll come here for spring break. Maybe he’ll want to visit in the summer.
In the meantime, I’ll bounce around between medications until I find something that makes me feel more human.